On Rejection. (Again?)

“Dear M,

On the basis of your audition on March 9, 2013, I am sorry to say that we are unable to accept you as a Music major…”

***

I’m writing this a mere 5 hours after receiving the news, so this post is likely to be even more stream-of-consciousness than usual.  I’m… I’m nothing, honestly. I’m shocked and numb. This is the calmest I’ve been in response to any rejection I’ve experienced that actually mattered.

I remember this calm and it worries me a little, because I remember when it signaled a refusal to cope with issues that needed my attention, and I’d be lying if I said I was coping adequately with every single aspect of my life. (Does anyone ever manage that?) Mostly, I’m relieved – I didn’t want to spend the entire night analyzing my flaws. I didn’t want to spend it angry at the world. I didn’t want to spend it crying to the kind people who volunteered to be my voices of reason. I’d rather just feel nothing for a few hours and see where that gets me. What happens if I skip right to the being okay part of bouncing back?

I’ll take this one as positively as I can: maybe I’ve finally matured enough to handle rejection as an excuse to refocus and re-commit. Maybe I’m one step closer to not taking it personally.

I’m not giving up.  It was wishful thinking that this one time I’d get exactly what I wanted. Things have never gone exactly according to plan. It wasn’t even the biggest dream in the world. Maybe it should’ve been: maybe I’m still looking for ways to settle. I used to interview phenomenally badly for jobs I had no passion for; maybe I should’ve aimed higher. Maybe this one wasn’t my passion.

I know that I need to ask myself some tough questions and re-focus. I know that I don’t feel any less determined to make this happen. I’m not content with being merely an okay singer, an actress who sings, an occasional musician. I’m not content being merely a performer; I need to contribute something. I’m not content being replaceable, a part of someone else’s vision, a tool for someone else’s creativity. I need to create things that matter and help people that matter and I want music and theatre to be a part of that.

How do I get there from here?

 

 

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