I’ve been struggling with some things lately. Anxiety, a sudden lack of motivation, and a bunch of quiet resentment over some things I’d decided not to dwell upon. My brain wasn’t cooperating with any of that, and was instead caught up in telling me that I was hopeless, delusional, wasting my time, obviously not good enough to even try. None of which are likely to be true. Part of it is that I’m planning to transfer in the Spring, but don’t really feel entirely prepared for that. Fear makes me cut myself down and doubt everything, so I’ve made a list of things I need to remember right now.
What I Can Control:
- How much I work on my skills (music and theatre-related).
- How prepared I am for auditions.
- How much I work toward getting into better physical shape.
- How much I put myself out there.
- The enthusiasm with which I approach my work.
- How easy I am to work with.
- How much annoyance I’m willing to tolerate for love of performing.
- How much I let myself dwell upon negative emotions.
What I Can’t Control:
- What people actually think of me.
- The decisions of any director or admissions committee.
- Whether or not other people are more talented or more trained than I am.
- Whether or not I was in exactly the right place at exactly the right time.
- Whether or not I fit the physical picture a director has in his or her head.*
- The overall fairness of the universe.**
* This one’s giving me trouble right now. Some days I’m reasonable about it, telling myself that I want to eat better and exercise more because it’ll help my singing and dancing. And it’s all very rational right up until it spirals into hating how I look and other destructive thoughts.
** I keep running into advice that says “you must accept that life isn’t fair.” Well, no, I mustn’t. I’m allowed to believe that hard work and persistence will pay off if that’s what it takes to get me to function; the unfairness of the universe is part of why I stopped doing basically anything for years at a time; do not ask me to go back there. I accept that I’m not the arbiter of universal fairness and what I see may not align with what others see, and that’s as far as I can manage.