Let me start this post with the positive: I had an amazing jury experience last week. Truly mind-blowing crazy you-had-to-be-there amazing. I got some of the best feedback I’ve ever received in my life on anything I’ve worked this hard at, and it’s an experience I will not forget for the entire rest of my life. I just wanted to get that out there; maybe what I’m feeling right now is the inevitable post-success crash or the sense of disconnected floundering I feel at the end of every project. It’s true that I have a hard time just… existing. I question and I over-analyze and I’ve been told that this is why I’m often stressed and/or unhappy. I don’t think I’m often unhappy. I just think I fluctuate between happy and unhappy very quickly and notice those changes often. I talk/write about the difficult things because there’s more to pick apart; positive experiences don’t need to be questioned.
I hate that people assume I’m unhappy or struggling – just one of a hundred assumptions about me that I don’t appreciate.
However, lately I have been unbelievably frustrated with some situations. At the aforementioned assumptions. At being left out of loops I’m supposed to be kept in, that I’ve worked hard to keep myself in. At being overlooked. At people’s ethics in the world of theatre not aligning with what I consider professionalism, and feeling unable to call them out on it. At always being that person, the one who will call people out on everything, and the baggage that goes along with that. The perception that I complain a lot, that I get my way by being loudest. If anyone knew how long I went without saying anything, ever, I wonder if they’d still hold it against me. I wonder if people assume that I’m fine with a given set of circumstances just because I don’t appear to be complaining about them. I kind of hate this box I’ve gotten myself into.
This entry was, originally, a rant against a certain set of behaviors that I’ve run up against three times in the past six months, and once that deeply hurt me recently. I took that part out because it was a little too specific and not the heart of the problem, and I was so, so very angry about it that I feel the problem must be with me and my perception rather than the behavior of others. But I can’t change other people, especially not by ranting at them about something I think they’ve done badly. All I can control is me, and right now I’m on the verge of letting situations make me into a person I hated being the first time through. I hope I’ve learned enough to just let some things go, and to approach others with some tact. I don’t know.
I just want to do what I love to do while maintaining my sanity and personal integrity, and not let people walk all over me, but still be someone that people like and want to include in things. Some days I think that’s asking for the moon.