A weird place.

The spring semester is over and I’m in kind of a weird place. Lots of hopeful things are happening, and I’m starting some new things that I think are going to be very good for me. But a few near-misses and a few endings have made me sad and wistful and kind of uncertain. I’m trying to be more okay with some uncertainty. Change brings uncertainty – that’s a given. It’s not like I haven’t thrown myself headfirst into the unknown before, sometimes with amazing results. Sometimes with less-than-amazing immediate results, but in retrospect? No matter how unhappy I’ve ever been in a moment, I’ve never had cause to regret any of those leaps in the long term.

I’m just… in a weird place. Part of it is a series of hits to my self-esteem followed near-immediately by ego boosts, and vice-versa. All in quick succession. No time to feel good or bad about any of it. If asked, I’d say, honestly, that things are… fine. The hopeful side of fine. But something feels off-balance, somehow.

Maybe it’s just that I don’t do well in times of uncertainty. I’ve always taken these huge leaps into the unknown and always manage to find solid ground… eventually. In between semesters is always this sense of … “ok, what now?”

I was asked about my goals today, and I’m always reluctant to share them with people in a position to judge them. After years of not really having goals, of trying to settle, trying to find a plan for myself that wasn’t horrible, trying to make peace with plans that were horrible… I’m tentative about my goals. I don’t trust them all of the time because I don’t trust me all of the time.

Here is what I know: I need music in my life. I need theatre in my life only slightly less urgently. I would like to be of some use to society despite years of insisting that I’m the most selfish person on earth and like it that way. I’m not, but it was a nice shield to hide behind for a while. My plan is to get as good as I can at singing and piano while setting up a path towards teaching as a source of actual income. Maybe music therapy instead – a local college has a good program for that, and I’m going to visit this summer and see what I think. But the singing thing – that’s something I need to happen, for me. It’s something I desperately want regardless of whether or not I’ll ever get paid for it. That part of my plan isn’t rational; it’s just what my heart wants.

 

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